Yooroes. The futbaal, not the funny munny.

Reet, noo befor a staht duz anyone reely think that wuz had a chance at the Yooroes? Come on, be honest noo.

Arse

Well if any of yuz did a can ownly say that yuz ar daft in the heed. Listenen tu them stupid gobshites on the telly'll dee that tu a porson. That Sheara and Alan Hansen and him wi the lugs off the crisps advort. Thus aal taalk rubbish, man. Just tell wu aal wat wu want tu hear, and after twenty minits on the telly they are sent yem in the showffa driven caars tu play golf.

The last time ah went tu see a futbaal match it cost us the best part of fowty pund. Fowty pund! It's true that the giv yuz a seat these days - nae standin arroond aal hemmed in with some drunk pissn in ya cowt pockit - but fowty pund? Haway man, du thu not knaa how much dole is these days?

Wayne Rooney

Footbaalas nivver seem tu be off the telly these days - if its not on a sport show it'll be some advort for trainers or lash or summink - and, noo haway, thu not the sharpest chisels in the box, are thu? Wud yee buy a hundred pund bottle o lash just cos Mickey Rooney sez he wares it? 

Thus summick abboot that lad and a cannit quite put me finga on it, but ee luks diffrent since ee got married...

Anyway, wuz got nocked oot on plenaties agen. Aal them wages thu get from oor fowty poond tickets and hundred poond borrels o lash wu divvent buy and thu cannit kick a little baal inta a geat net just a few fut away.

Load of shite thu are, the lorrathem.

Gannin t the shops...

Ah used tu love tu gaan tu the shops, me.

Forra staart it got yu oot the hoose forra bit which was a blessun if yu was fiten with your lass or lad. even if yu just went an got a paket o mintybullets from the sweety shop...and a knaa, let's be honest, yu cud nip intu the boozer for a quick gill anaal cos the minty bullets wud hide the smell of beer on yu breathe.

A Friendly Neighbourhood Shop

And yu divvent have tu buy a geat load either. Yu can gaan in and the butcha'll slice yu off just enough boiled ham forra one samwidge and a little dod of pease pudden an stuffen to spread on it so nen gaans tu waste in the fridge.Syem in the fruit shop...one tomata, haalf a lettus, a bit onion, a bit cucumba and thez a fresh salad just for ye. An if yu want anotha one the next day yu just gaan back the next day and get mair. Aaal fresh.

When yo gaan in Asda and Morrisons yu see these geat five stone bags of taties and thu might luk cheap, but ya nivva use them aal! Thus just gaan soft and yu hef tu hoy them oot. Syem with aall these geat hods o stuff they try tu makes wuz aall buy. A box o twenty-fower eggs? How langs it ganna tak yu tu use aal them? Buy half a duzzen fresh and leave the rest in the shop for sum bugger else. Ya divvent ivvor need twenty fower eggs in ya hoose man!

Shoppin the days borin as owt. Thes naeware tu browse arroond...nae bonny winda displays tu luk at nor nowt. Yu just gaan into yu shop, get ya stuff, come oot and gaan back yem. Yull probly have spent about sixty pund aanaal like, but that's by the bye.

Well yknaa wat? Sod it ah say. Since ah foond out yu can gaan on the computa telly and pick what yu want off of a list and an oor later it comes tu ya door in a van aal in carrier bags ah dee that. Saves havven tu hump tins and pop from doon toon on the bus. Aa knaa yu pays a little bit forrit, but its cheapa than a taxi...and a taxis ownly a bit dearer than a busfare these days inyway.

Divvent get us wraang, ah still gaan doontoon...ownly norraz often as a used te. If nowt else it keeps us up tu date with wees got the best offaz on thu mobile phones...