Comedians? Yuz are aall havin a laff?

Ah read in the pyepper the otha day aboot Eric Sykes gannin up tu that great theatre in the sky and it gorruz thinkin on aboot how these folks tharra aboot the day aren't a patch on 'the old 'uns' that used tu mak us laffback in the day.

Noo before yuz gaan 'Here ees off agen, tellin wuz how it waz aall betta in the owlden days'...a knaa yuz wor deein it cos a hord yuz...just howld yu gobs and listen a minit.

Eric Sykes

Back in the owlden days, before wu had tellies wu ownly had radios. Before that wu didn't have nowt - if wu wanted tu get wasells entertained wu went oot tu the music haal forra a bit laff and carryon. Yu cud see aal kinds there. Yuz might not believe us (bit noo wen have a ivvor lied to yuz?) but Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel both appeared on the stage in Shields. In fact aave been telt that Chaplin stopped in a bordin hoose digs in Beech Road. Stan Laurel probly just lowped on the ferry yem cos he ownly lived ower the watter in CodHeidLand.

These lads went to America and made a fortune in fillums, but there was also the acts that supported them who waz aal left behind here. They had spent the yors plodding around aal ower on stage making a liven and then aal of a sudden wuz stop gannin tu the music haals cos wu get radios in wa hooses.

It stood to reason for them that cud to make the jump to the wireless, and that's how wu got some of the programs thu still repeat tu this day on that digital wireless thing. Them people wor good cos they had sorved an apprenticeship on the stage, beein hoyed wi tomartas and cabbages and eggs and that. They had quality.

After the war thu was a load of ex-servicemen who came oot the army had spent aal there time in consat parties and troop entertainment and that. They had aal sorved thu time treddin boards in Rangoon or whereva and couldn't dee nowt else when it come to Civvy Street.

This is where wu got the likes of Sykes, Tony Hancock, Spike Milligan and aal them other folks that wor household names. At least the wor in oor hoose. Me mother cudn't stand Hancock; shu said e was a 'miserable sounden bugger', but shu didn't understand that was the joke.

Spike Milligan

She was nivvor the sharpest knife in the drawer, me mother. Cuddnt af make yorksha puddens though.

These folks were funny though...entertaining and that. You cud imagine havin a drink with them in the pub and bringin them back yem for a pie and tu meet yu muther in law.

Time marches on and thu nearly aal deid noo. Noo wu left with aal these foul-mouthed 'things' that reckon comedy is aal aboot swearin and bein rude. Divvent gerruz wrang, this has it's place and ahve been naan tu tell a few naughty jokes in me time, but it seems like these knaa how tu dee nowt else.

If thud tried that stuff in the music haals thu wouldabeen pelted with aal kinds, and probly had a gud kicken from outraged patrons ootside in the back lane anaal. Me fatha used tu gaan mad if anyone swore in front of me mutha.

An Annoying Twat

Eeeh, and some o these other ones...yknaa, the effeminate ones that mince abbot and taalk all funny. It's a well knaan fact that actin and entertainin has aalways attracted this type of bloke but nooadays the just gaan beyond the joke. Me grandfatha wud have kicked the telly oot the winda. Just act normal, man. Yu divvent have to shove it in wu fyesses that yuz like it different ti what the rest of wuz dee.

A mean, did yu ivver see Albert Steptoe mincin up and doon Oildrum Lane shrilling 'Arrold, look at the muck in ere'...

If yuz waant tu here proppa filth get ya lugs roond 'Round The Horn'. And that waz on ovva Sunda dinnatime!

The Telly

If thus wan thing thats changed a geat load on peoples hooses ower the last fowerty yor it's graa be the telly.

Hor Madgesties recent do forra sixty yors on the throne (nae netty jokes, please) was shown aall aroond the whorld, but the day shu was Coronated was aalso on the telly. Wu didn't watch it in wor hoose mind, cos wu nivvor had one. A telly that is, not a hoose. Of course wu had a hoose. Ivvryone did in them days, but ahm gannin off me point.

Nah, we went roon tu me aunties hoose tu watch it cos she had a birra money...me uncle was treasurer of the [withheld for legal reasons - Ed] Club...and they had theraan telly. Gorrit from Roberts in Fowler Street.

An Owld Telly

Yu shud a seen it! A geat big wood box it waz, with a pitcha aboot the size of a bettin slip. And it was black and white. Wuz aal had tu sit still in the room when wuz wa watchin it in case we got in the way of the beams gannin tu the aerial on the top. Ivry time a lorry went past ootside the picture went aal wiggly and snedgy. And me mutha made us wear a tie annaal, cos she said wu had tu luk decent for The Queen. Am sure shu though they could see wuz from Westmininster Chorch.

Just compare that with wat wuv got the day. The telly wor lads got nooadays is bigga than wor bath! Forst time a went roond his and saw it hanggin on the waal a thought it was a new winda. Then when e switched it on and a saw how canny the piksha waz...well man, a had tu get mesell one.

Noo ahm not a great one fer getting stuff on tick...these banks'll have yu eyes and come back for yu sockets...so a got mesel a Provvy ticket and went to that catlog shop where Binns used to be, ower the road from where the polis station used tu be. Yu knaa the polis station? Next tu wear the fire brigade used to be. Aye, there. The lad come withus and helped us pick a canny model and the blokes came with it in a van the next day.

Ah left aal the settin up tu him, like. Ahm nay use wi wires and stuff like that, but he can dee it. Cannit measure in feet and inches mind, but e nahs wear tu stick the wires.

So there was waz, aall sittun in frunt of me new telly with me sattylite box aall plumbed in and a few cans in the fridge and, y'knaa wat?

AH CUDDNT FIND A BLUDDY THING TU WATCH!!!!!