Comedians? Yuz are aall havin a laff?

Ah read in the pyepper the otha day aboot Eric Sykes gannin up tu that great theatre in the sky and it gorruz thinkin on aboot how these folks tharra aboot the day aren't a patch on 'the old 'uns' that used tu mak us laffback in the day.

Noo before yuz gaan 'Here ees off agen, tellin wuz how it waz aall betta in the owlden days'...a knaa yuz wor deein it cos a hord yuz...just howld yu gobs and listen a minit.

Eric Sykes

Back in the owlden days, before wu had tellies wu ownly had radios. Before that wu didn't have nowt - if wu wanted tu get wasells entertained wu went oot tu the music haal forra a bit laff and carryon. Yu cud see aal kinds there. Yuz might not believe us (bit noo wen have a ivvor lied to yuz?) but Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel both appeared on the stage in Shields. In fact aave been telt that Chaplin stopped in a bordin hoose digs in Beech Road. Stan Laurel probly just lowped on the ferry yem cos he ownly lived ower the watter in CodHeidLand.

These lads went to America and made a fortune in fillums, but there was also the acts that supported them who waz aal left behind here. They had spent the yors plodding around aal ower on stage making a liven and then aal of a sudden wuz stop gannin tu the music haals cos wu get radios in wa hooses.

It stood to reason for them that cud to make the jump to the wireless, and that's how wu got some of the programs thu still repeat tu this day on that digital wireless thing. Them people wor good cos they had sorved an apprenticeship on the stage, beein hoyed wi tomartas and cabbages and eggs and that. They had quality.

After the war thu was a load of ex-servicemen who came oot the army had spent aal there time in consat parties and troop entertainment and that. They had aal sorved thu time treddin boards in Rangoon or whereva and couldn't dee nowt else when it come to Civvy Street.

This is where wu got the likes of Sykes, Tony Hancock, Spike Milligan and aal them other folks that wor household names. At least the wor in oor hoose. Me mother cudn't stand Hancock; shu said e was a 'miserable sounden bugger', but shu didn't understand that was the joke.

Spike Milligan

She was nivvor the sharpest knife in the drawer, me mother. Cuddnt af make yorksha puddens though.

These folks were funny though...entertaining and that. You cud imagine havin a drink with them in the pub and bringin them back yem for a pie and tu meet yu muther in law.

Time marches on and thu nearly aal deid noo. Noo wu left with aal these foul-mouthed 'things' that reckon comedy is aal aboot swearin and bein rude. Divvent gerruz wrang, this has it's place and ahve been naan tu tell a few naughty jokes in me time, but it seems like these knaa how tu dee nowt else.

If thud tried that stuff in the music haals thu wouldabeen pelted with aal kinds, and probly had a gud kicken from outraged patrons ootside in the back lane anaal. Me fatha used tu gaan mad if anyone swore in front of me mutha.

An Annoying Twat

Eeeh, and some o these other ones...yknaa, the effeminate ones that mince abbot and taalk all funny. It's a well knaan fact that actin and entertainin has aalways attracted this type of bloke but nooadays the just gaan beyond the joke. Me grandfatha wud have kicked the telly oot the winda. Just act normal, man. Yu divvent have to shove it in wu fyesses that yuz like it different ti what the rest of wuz dee.

A mean, did yu ivver see Albert Steptoe mincin up and doon Oildrum Lane shrilling 'Arrold, look at the muck in ere'...

If yuz waant tu here proppa filth get ya lugs roond 'Round The Horn'. And that waz on ovva Sunda dinnatime!

The Telly

If thus wan thing thats changed a geat load on peoples hooses ower the last fowerty yor it's graa be the telly.

Hor Madgesties recent do forra sixty yors on the throne (nae netty jokes, please) was shown aall aroond the whorld, but the day shu was Coronated was aalso on the telly. Wu didn't watch it in wor hoose mind, cos wu nivvor had one. A telly that is, not a hoose. Of course wu had a hoose. Ivvryone did in them days, but ahm gannin off me point.

Nah, we went roon tu me aunties hoose tu watch it cos she had a birra money...me uncle was treasurer of the [withheld for legal reasons - Ed] Club...and they had theraan telly. Gorrit from Roberts in Fowler Street.

An Owld Telly

Yu shud a seen it! A geat big wood box it waz, with a pitcha aboot the size of a bettin slip. And it was black and white. Wuz aal had tu sit still in the room when wuz wa watchin it in case we got in the way of the beams gannin tu the aerial on the top. Ivry time a lorry went past ootside the picture went aal wiggly and snedgy. And me mutha made us wear a tie annaal, cos she said wu had tu luk decent for The Queen. Am sure shu though they could see wuz from Westmininster Chorch.

Just compare that with wat wuv got the day. The telly wor lads got nooadays is bigga than wor bath! Forst time a went roond his and saw it hanggin on the waal a thought it was a new winda. Then when e switched it on and a saw how canny the piksha waz...well man, a had tu get mesell one.

Noo ahm not a great one fer getting stuff on tick...these banks'll have yu eyes and come back for yu sockets...so a got mesel a Provvy ticket and went to that catlog shop where Binns used to be, ower the road from where the polis station used tu be. Yu knaa the polis station? Next tu wear the fire brigade used to be. Aye, there. The lad come withus and helped us pick a canny model and the blokes came with it in a van the next day.

Ah left aal the settin up tu him, like. Ahm nay use wi wires and stuff like that, but he can dee it. Cannit measure in feet and inches mind, but e nahs wear tu stick the wires.

So there was waz, aall sittun in frunt of me new telly with me sattylite box aall plumbed in and a few cans in the fridge and, y'knaa wat?

AH CUDDNT FIND A BLUDDY THING TU WATCH!!!!!

Yooroes. The futbaal, not the funny munny.

Reet, noo befor a staht duz anyone reely think that wuz had a chance at the Yooroes? Come on, be honest noo.

Arse

Well if any of yuz did a can ownly say that yuz ar daft in the heed. Listenen tu them stupid gobshites on the telly'll dee that tu a porson. That Sheara and Alan Hansen and him wi the lugs off the crisps advort. Thus aal taalk rubbish, man. Just tell wu aal wat wu want tu hear, and after twenty minits on the telly they are sent yem in the showffa driven caars tu play golf.

The last time ah went tu see a futbaal match it cost us the best part of fowty pund. Fowty pund! It's true that the giv yuz a seat these days - nae standin arroond aal hemmed in with some drunk pissn in ya cowt pockit - but fowty pund? Haway man, du thu not knaa how much dole is these days?

Wayne Rooney

Footbaalas nivver seem tu be off the telly these days - if its not on a sport show it'll be some advort for trainers or lash or summink - and, noo haway, thu not the sharpest chisels in the box, are thu? Wud yee buy a hundred pund bottle o lash just cos Mickey Rooney sez he wares it? 

Thus summick abboot that lad and a cannit quite put me finga on it, but ee luks diffrent since ee got married...

Anyway, wuz got nocked oot on plenaties agen. Aal them wages thu get from oor fowty poond tickets and hundred poond borrels o lash wu divvent buy and thu cannit kick a little baal inta a geat net just a few fut away.

Load of shite thu are, the lorrathem.

Gannin t the shops...

Ah used tu love tu gaan tu the shops, me.

Forra staart it got yu oot the hoose forra bit which was a blessun if yu was fiten with your lass or lad. even if yu just went an got a paket o mintybullets from the sweety shop...and a knaa, let's be honest, yu cud nip intu the boozer for a quick gill anaal cos the minty bullets wud hide the smell of beer on yu breathe.

A Friendly Neighbourhood Shop

And yu divvent have tu buy a geat load either. Yu can gaan in and the butcha'll slice yu off just enough boiled ham forra one samwidge and a little dod of pease pudden an stuffen to spread on it so nen gaans tu waste in the fridge.Syem in the fruit shop...one tomata, haalf a lettus, a bit onion, a bit cucumba and thez a fresh salad just for ye. An if yu want anotha one the next day yu just gaan back the next day and get mair. Aaal fresh.

When yo gaan in Asda and Morrisons yu see these geat five stone bags of taties and thu might luk cheap, but ya nivva use them aal! Thus just gaan soft and yu hef tu hoy them oot. Syem with aall these geat hods o stuff they try tu makes wuz aall buy. A box o twenty-fower eggs? How langs it ganna tak yu tu use aal them? Buy half a duzzen fresh and leave the rest in the shop for sum bugger else. Ya divvent ivvor need twenty fower eggs in ya hoose man!

Shoppin the days borin as owt. Thes naeware tu browse arroond...nae bonny winda displays tu luk at nor nowt. Yu just gaan into yu shop, get ya stuff, come oot and gaan back yem. Yull probly have spent about sixty pund aanaal like, but that's by the bye.

Well yknaa wat? Sod it ah say. Since ah foond out yu can gaan on the computa telly and pick what yu want off of a list and an oor later it comes tu ya door in a van aal in carrier bags ah dee that. Saves havven tu hump tins and pop from doon toon on the bus. Aa knaa yu pays a little bit forrit, but its cheapa than a taxi...and a taxis ownly a bit dearer than a busfare these days inyway.

Divvent get us wraang, ah still gaan doontoon...ownly norraz often as a used te. If nowt else it keeps us up tu date with wees got the best offaz on thu mobile phones...

How bluddy much?

Yuz ahll areet?

Gud.

Noo wuz aahl knaa its a fact of life that prices nivvor come doon, thu aalwaze just gaan upnupnup. Ah suppose it can aanly be expected, cos wu wages and dole and pensions gaan up an aal, but, hey man, these guverrments are just taken a lend of wu.

When we war little wuz used tu ask for a cupple o pence to get some sweets off the ice cream man...a hord a bairn the utha day asken es mutha for a poond. A poond tu by bullets! And then, when ah saw what the bairn got forees poond ah cudnt believe it agen. A scabby little bit o choklit and a chewy thing. Es mutha asked um why e hadn't got a cana pop e sez shu hadn't givvunum enuf money!

Annits not just bairns either. The price yuz hav tu pay to gaan oot for a pint noo, it's just not reet. It's nae wunda the pubs are haffin tu shut, thu munny thu asken for the beer.

Three poond forra pint o pissy lager. Three poond!!! And that's cheap, ahve been telt. Sum swankytime wine bars'll chaarge yu fower pund! And yu knaa wat? Wuzar that daft wuz'll pay for the bugga!

The pub manajas aal say its not there fault wat thu have tu chaarge. 'It's aal set by the brewries' thu tell ya when ya say owt, but a divvent believe it forra secund. Thus wud rathha sit with an empty room sellin one beer an oor at a manky profit than havin a full room and sellun 100 pints an oor at less profits. It's aal aboot 'maargins' and not 'tornova'. Well ahll tell yu wat, thus can aahl clase for me, aah wud ratha sit in me own chair in me own hoose with a case o beer from Asda and watch me own telly and piss in me own netty.

Bluddy brewrys and landlords...bunch a bluddy rackiteers, the lorrathum. Worse than the bluddy Provvy.

60 Glorious Yors...

Ahve had a luk at the numbahs and a can see that a canny few o yuz read me words that me 'Ghost Writer' Nackaz Mabley typed into the computa telly. Well, as lang as yees read thum then aal keep taakin aboot stuff.  Nowt heavy or nowt, nowt that ganna change the whorld. Ahm not that clivvor for a staart-off.

Wotchin the news and readin the pyeppas yu cannit help but notice that its cummin up to the Queens Jubilee. Sixty yors shus been Queen for. Seen off loads of them Prime Ministers, shu has. Chorchill and Thatcha and the rest, and shus still gannin strang. Bluddy marvelus, shu is.

Now a knaa a lorruvyus divven't like the Royal Family.

'They are out of touch with the ordinary people' yuz say.

'They've never done a days work in thee lives' sez uthas.

In one way ah can see wat yuz mean. Yu can bet the Queens nivvor had tu run oot tu the shops at sivven acloclk at neet for a loafabreed an two oonces o' boiled ham cos shud forgot tu put Phillip's bait up, an e was on orlies at Brighams next mornin.

But luk at it the utha way. Even when shu got yem of a neet and kicked a shoes off and hung a croon up, shu was still the Queen. Nae days off, nae pullin a sickie, nae gannin doon the bingo for couple o hooses and the late link-up. Nah, ivvery oor of ivvery day shus the Queen. For that a think shu desorves a bit of respect.

Noo, a bairns on the utha hand...

Wat happund there?

It's been braht tu me attenshun that thus wez a birova problem with the forst post on this new thingummajig. Me 'Ghost Author' (that Mabley fella loves tu give eesel fancy titles) sez e pressed the wrang button by mistake.

A likely story if ivvor a hord one. Duzznt knaa wat ees deein, mair like.

Well noo, it's nearly summa. It's been hoyin it doon with rain this last few days so it meks yu think what kind of wetha wuz are ganna have ower the holldas. Are wuz ganna get some sun for a few days in a raa or what?

Some Lasses On The Drink In The Snedge

It aalwez meks me laff wen wuzz get a sunny day. Gaan doon King Street and yu see aal the lads with the tops off waalkin aroond, showin off the skinny chists and aal them tattoos.

And the lasses! eeh, lad! Some of them are a proppa sight!

Now divvent gerruz wrang here. Thuz nowt the marra with a big lass, but howay hinnies, thuz just some things yuz cannit wear, man! Owt thats skin-tight for a staat, espeshally wen its got stripes gannin across.

And dee yersels a favour noo when yus are yunguns and hoy some suncream on ya showlders. It'll stop thum gannin aal red raa and peely. Dee it noo while yu skins aal soft, and not in a few yors time whens its aal gone like letha.

Picture (c) Shields Gazette

Ah see in the gazett pyeppa there yuz can sit ootside Dickers noo with ya pasties and that. Looks canny, but watch oot for them seagulls mind...thull have ya slavery dip oot ya hand an doon there geat gobs in a flash! Gaans withoot sayin tu waatch oot for them shiten on ya, anaal.

Folks gaan on abooy the seagulls but, y'knaa, wuz live in a coastal toon so wat du yu expect? Parrots?



Just think yasells lucky Sheels isn't in the middle of the Serengetti and thus not hoards of Widlebeeste stampedun up an doon Fowler Street.

Reet, am sick ov taalkin noo. Ahl let Knackaz type me wards up so e can make them gaan on the computer telly for yuz aal tu read and that.

A think ah'll gaan an gerra cornet or a 99 from minchies.